Trey Jardine (1.14 WHIP, 14.27 K/6)
Kiefer Haffey (.638 OBP, 12 SB)
Nate Motta is the "Louisville Snuggler"
Joe Foley has 1 of 3 Onanism dongs
Chris Paquin (0.95 ERA, 1.03 WHIP)
Dylan Braden (14.77 K/6, 1.227 OPS)
Jon McKinnie (7 RS in last 5 games)
Dennis Pearson (7 HR, 22 RBI) With so many games on tap this week, we tried something completely new and had a game to determine this week’s marquee. David Castle hit the Oakland County Onanism @ Holy Balls ball the furthest, so here we are. In all honesty, this is a great marquee. The Holy Balls came out of the gates completely flat, but have since been playing great wiffleball and are right back in the playoff conversation. The Onanism have been a fun surprise and have steadily been in the playoff conversation. These two teams now match up for the only time this season, and it is a very important series for both of them.
The Oakland County Onanism are in their third marquee this season. They hosted both the Squirrels and El Diablos in marquees and lost all four games. The Holy Balls are in their second marquee in three weeks and also took on the Squirrels. They split that that series. In normal Onanism fashion, they will be playing a double header series this week as they are also playing at the Squirrels. In rare fashion, the Holy Balls are playing a double header series as they will also be hosting the Warriors this week.
If you are a fan of eye popping offensive stats, then Onanism aren’t for you. They are tied for last in home runs (3), are seventh in AVG (.175), and ninth in OPS (.674). Their bread and butter is getting on base via the walk, as they currently lead the league with 118 BB. They epitomize small ball, as they get on base any way possible, move base runners up, and grind out wins. They also lead the league in steals with 15, while having only been caught once. In order to win tight games with little offense you must have good pitching, and the Onanism do. As a team they rank third in ERA (2.22) and strike outs (184), and are fourth in WHIP (1.52). Trey Jardine would be talked about a lot more this season as a standout rookie pitcher, but some dude from the Belgian Wiffles has overshadowed him. Kiefer Haffey and Jardine are one of the more underrated 1-2 duos in the league. When trying to predict what this team would be preseason, most had them as a good offensive team, and a bad pitching team. #whoopz
The Holy Balls are a tough team to try and figure out. Preseason they were pegged as a .500 team, then came out looking like they would struggle to hit double digit wins, and now they are once again looking like a .500 team, maybe even better. They must be getting the chicks, because they love the long ball. The DD Boys have adopted a HR hitting friend, and the Double D Bra has been formed. Dylan, Dennis, and BRAndon have a combined 17 homers and 1.171 OPS. Scoring runs is not the problem, so it has to be pitching, right? Not so fast. Chris Paquin has once again put the team on his back as the ace, and hasn’t skipped a beat from last year. He is currently 3-1, with a 0.95 ERA and has 1.03 WHIP. Unfortunately the only thing setting this team back has been the rocky start from Dennis Pearson on the hill. I don’t want to show his numbers, they are not pretty. With Dennis out of the rotation, Dylan Braden has stepped in nicely and is a very serviceable #2 with a 1.85 ERA and 14.77 K/6.
This will be an interesting series to watch. With a good week from the Onanism, you can even start talking about a possible division title for them. The Holy Balls have their eyes on that play-in game, and a good week from them means they are right back in it.
I can’t believe I went a whole article without a single Balls/Onanism joke. How disappointing… Okay, the best Balls/Onanism joke left in the facebook comments/on the twatter wins Hollister's cum rag t-shirt (framed, of course — ask Matty D for details) and a DD bra. Ready? GO!
| 'Gian Joint | J. Matt Memorial | Chestnut Field | Holy Grounds | Pervis Memorial | |||||||||||
| 6/7 | 6/8 | 6/8 | 6/8 | 6/8 | 6/8 | 6/8 | 6/8 | ||||||||
| KF | 0|1 | WA | 0|5 | WW | 7|17 | ON | 0|4 | WO | 10|6 | WW | 9|1 | ON | 5|0 | WA | 1|2 |
| BW | 3|13 | BW | 1|3 | WO | 1|2 | FS | 4|2 | FS | 20|4 | HB | 0|11 | HB | 1|1 | EL | 0|3 |
| Unavailable Pitchers: 1 Game: N. Braden (BW), C. Phillips (EL), B. D'Agnese (FS), Paquin (HB), Castle (KF), Jardine (ON), Bortmas (WW), E. Bischoff (WA) 2 Games: |
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Week 6 correct picks: UNDER 30.5 runs scored in Islanders at Belgian (27), Belgian and El Diablos SPLIT their series, Holy Balls COVER -4.5 vs. Wolfpack with 15 runs to spare, UNDER 4.5 HR at King's Castle (2). Chris went big with his second 5-0 week in a row. Jason and David both went 3-2; both swung and missed on over 30.5 runs, while Jason again overestimated the other O/U and David missed his second going for an El Diablos sweep. Both guys hit their locks to get in the black. The lock and that El Diablos sweep are what put Kyle below .500, at 2-3. His third miss was also going over the 30.5 BW/IS runs. Week 8 is #beastmode #gamblingproblems style. 8 picks covering a little bit of everything; the push even rears it's wily little head. There might not be any coming back after a bad week here. Put together a good set, though, and you're flying high. |
 |
 David (14 - 21, .400) |
 Jason (13 - 21, .382) |
 Chris (22 - 14, .611) |
 Kyle (13 - 22, .371) |
 @  Innings Played: O/U 13.5 |
Under Crozier takes Farkas DEEEP |
Under Make it 12!!!!! |
Under Braden takes Austin deep... Again! |
Over This could be the longest game in WSEM history |
 @ Balls in play vs. Farkas: O/U 1 |
Over Mike Bayley goes yard (Ed. note: Who the fuck is Mike Bayley???) |
Over Castle gets both of them but they are still outs unfortunately |
Over Two in play. One by Castle, one by Nicco |
Push to 1.5 Under Anyone see the AB's against Farkas last week? KF gets one if they're lucky |
@  Series Spread: EL -1.5 |
WA +1.5 Just cause |
WA +1.5 They're angry and win by at least a combined 4 runs |
WA +1.5 CJ has two long dongs |
WA +1.5 I've been instructed to pick against my team from now on no matter what. Also, the first 10 fans receive a 2013 Garcia Division Champions T-shirt |
 @  Series Result |
Holy Balls Sweep Assuming Dennis doesn't pitch |
Onanism Sweep After facing them I know that the Jerky Boys are for real |
Holy Balls Sweep #Homer |
Onanism Sweep If Flip Dick and Co. want to be in the playoffs they need to take both games |
 @ Runs Scored: O/U 10.5 |
Over Too good of offenses to go under |
Over There are going to be a bunch of runs scored in this series, don't be silly |
Over SHatt gets robbed by the monster, Shore breaks his yellow in frustration |
Under 10 on the nose |
@  Triples: O/U 1.5 |
Over That field with Bortmas is asking for trouble |
Under Even though our field is huge, there's just no way that many triples can be hit again |
Over E-Bort with 2, Shore with 1. #Heather makes her WSEM debut |
Under Not happening on Greg's watch |
@  Who scores first? (Double points w/ correct scoring play) |
Flying Squirrels Not risking the double down |
Flying Squirrels (BB) |
Flying Squirrels (HR) Specifically by B. D'Agnese. #CallsHisShot |
Flying Squirrels (BB) |
@ Series spread: ON -2.5 |
ON -2.5 This series blows |
ON -2.5 SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Did I mention that ON is my new favorite team? They cover easily |
ON -2.5 Sessions plays himself, costs them the sweep |
ON -2.5 Free poooooon! Cash! |
